|
|
Post by jcalfee on Jun 20, 2014 12:25:57 GMT -5
She put her pen down with finality, memories of him splattered across the page in front of her.
She wrote her love like a gunshot, thoughts exploding outward-- familiar heartache shrapnel.
She constructed their story as their life had been--
a dictionary meeting a dozen eggs;
she formed anecdotes of yolk.
She felt better with words on white,
personal scripture now physical, tangible,
able to be framed or burned.
She felt better.
Almost. |
|
|
|
Post by frodissa on Jun 21, 2014 11:13:49 GMT -5
There is so much here. It's such a familiar story in my life. I love the way this just explains it all: "She wrote her love like a gunshot,
thoughts exploding outward--
familiar heartache shrapnel."
I would like to see how this would look with minimal or no punctuation, even though your punctuation is technically impressively correct! I can't tell if I'd like it better with or without it.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
|
|
|
|
Post by tarasummerville on Jun 21, 2014 20:19:57 GMT -5
Holy shit Jami, those lines "a dictionary meeting a dozen eggs; she formed anecdotes of yolk." Followed me for days after reading it. I was in my car the next day and i was thinking about those two lines thinking "damnit jami and your talent---" and the following day in the shower i thought "anecdotes of yolk- damnit thats a great line."
Damnit, Jami. SO GOOD. Little jealous. but still. SO GOOD.
|
|
|
|
Post by lacy on Jun 22, 2014 10:12:10 GMT -5
The second stanza is my favorite. I love how this poem flows as I read it. Although, I am unsure if I like or love the abrupt end with two lines...
|
|
|
|
Post by Cir on Jun 22, 2014 17:17:42 GMT -5
I like this a lot and will keep reading it. Much has already been said. I love the structure and the aforementioned great lines. I also could do without the final two as I think it weakens it slightly. Great stuff!
|
|
|
|
Post by jcalfee on Aug 19, 2014 15:30:39 GMT -5
By the way, all, I agree about the last two lines. Haha
|
|
